By Dana Scoville, Ph.D., LMHC
If you are reading this, chances are you are having difficulty engaging in conversations with people who have different opinions than yours, especially of the political variety.
I am going to save you the trouble jumping to the end and give you the answers right now (SPOILER ALERT AHEAD). The keys to having better political conversations are: empathy and respect. Robb Willer, professor of sociology, psychology and organizational behavior at Stanford University, suggests that we stop focusing on all the issues that divide us and start trying to connect with one another via empathy and respect. If you’ve already mastered these skills, then you can stop reading here, but if you walk away from difficult conversations with people with who have different opinions feeling angry, frustrated, resentful, or uncomfortable, then read on.
The concepts of empathy and respect are simple, but not necessarily easy to implement. We all know the right things to do, but actually doing them can be challenging at times, especially when our emotions are involved. Here are some suggestions on how to move toward empathy and respect when approaching political conversations. Let’s be clear, when I write about empathy and respect, I mean focusing on your own thoughts and behaviors and not on how to change others.
I have divided the strategies into two areas of focus, thoughts and behaviors. As you will see, there is a lot overlap between the strategies, but I have done my best to delineate them in a useful way.
Thoughts:
- Be aware of you own biases. There is an unconscious tendency to categorize people, in order, by gender, generation (age), nationality (or ethnicity), education level, and emotion (GGNEE model, by Rick Middleton, founder of Executive Expression in Los Angeles) and as in the case of this article, political affiliation. We all have them and they often get in the way of our ability to connect with people, at times. Being aware of them allows you to question them and change them when necessary.
- Be open and suspend judgment. I am not asking you to permanently remove it, just suspend your judgement for a few minutes, so that you may be open to what some else has to say. Be aware of your tendency to make instant judgements (see Be Aware of Your Own Biases) about someone that will inhibit your ability to hear them.
- Seek out alternative points of view. Read and listen to other viewpoints. People often have the tendency to seek out information and others who support their views and to stay away from those sources that do not (also referred to as confirmation bias) which further perpetuates your biases.
- Minimize “right versus wrong” thinking and recognize that issues are more complex. We are not just liberals and conservatives, we are people with varied sets of beliefs. As it stands today, the two dominant political parties make it difficult to conceptualize political views as existing on a continuum, rather than an “either or.” However, in reality we all exist along countless points of the continuum of liberalism and conservatism, and as individuals, we often don’t tow the party line on all issues. We each believe that we are “right” but may have different ideas of how “right” looks and how to “make things right.”
- Resist the urge to label people or reduce people to their political beliefs. Similar to the being aware of our biases and minimizing “right versus wrong” thinking strategies, try to see the other person as human not as a label based on their political affiliations. Notice tendencies to label people and realize that we are all human and may have similar values.
- Be honest with yourself about your own expectations and agenda when approaching conversations. Do not seek to change anyone’s mind. You won’t. And don’t try to argue your point that they will. They won’t. Accept it and move on. Everyone believes their way is the “right” way, and trying to convince them otherwise is counterproductive.
- Understand that liberals and conservatives tend to prioritize different values to different degrees. Jonathan Haidt, author of “The Righteous Mind,” suggests that generally, liberals have a tendency toward equality and fairness; care and protection from harm. Conservatives tend to endorse values like loyalty, patriotism, respect for authority, and moral purity. Recognize the values of the other side when approaching difficult conversations.
Behaviors:
- Use bias-free language to prevent categorizing or stigmatizing people in ways related to gender, race, ethnicity, age, disability, beliefs, or other personal characteristics.
- Listen to understand. In Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, he recommends seeking to understand first before seeking to be understood. We tend to approach conversations with our own needs to be understood, and forget about the other person’s need to be understood, as well. Ask questions that help you understand their belief system, values, and goals. This will help you empathize.
- Allow the other person to think and express themselves freely. Just as you want to be heard and respected, honor the other person’s right to express him or herself, just as you want your right’s to be respected. It’s the Golden Rule, I know, but we all forget that when our buttons get pushed (see “Be Aware of your Own Biases”).
- Resist the urge to yell, name call, mock, or ignore someone when they express their opinion.
- Also, resist the urge to point out what you perceive to be flaws in someone’s argument. This will only create defensiveness and block the openness you are trying to create.
- Look for common values or ways to connect instead of focusing on what divides you. Most people can find some commonality in their value and belief systems but may take different pathways to express those values. Pay attention to the values that they hold in high regard (See Understand that Liberals and Conservative Tend to Prioritize Different Values to Different Degrees) and speak from your experience of this value.
This is not meant to be a comprehensive list of suggestions, but merely an introduction to approaching an old problem with some new perspectives. Start out by practicing these strategies with small issues or while watching or reading about current events. Instead of getting angry and changing the channel or complaining out loud, try to think differently using these strategies. Then approach your next conversation with the goals of conveying empathy and respect. It won’t be easy at first, just like with learning any new skill it takes practice. Then when you are really feeling up to the challenge, seek out someone whom you view as being on the “other side.” Invite them share their personal experiences, issues that concern them, and let them ask the same questions of you (recommended by Elizabeth Lesser in her TED Talk, Take “the Other” to Lunch). You won’t likely change anyone’s mind about your views, but you might walk away less angry and frustrated, and just a little bit more accepting and understanding of other viewpoints.
Employe Counseling Services at The Wertheim UF Scripps Institute are available to institute employees and adult family members. If you would like to address any personal or work-related issue, feel free to contact Employee Counseling Services: Dana Scoville, Ph.D., LMHC, dscoville@ufl.edu, 561 228 2288, B-133.